exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
