you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
