Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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