Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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