Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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