I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i now understand why vodka
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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