I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
