He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
