Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
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Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.