If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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