my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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