just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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