I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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