my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Drunk is a universal language darling
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
