you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
