im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
