I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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