one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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