dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
