im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
