my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
