My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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