Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
