i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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