I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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