Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
