To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
