shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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