You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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