Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
