Me. At least after what I've been through.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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