She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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