would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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