I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
