So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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