Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
