How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
