im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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