i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
