Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
