My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
