now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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