now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
