Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
