He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is Oprah even human
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
