you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my shit smells like andre
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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