you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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