i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
