sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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