im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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