Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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