I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
