Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
