1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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