So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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