Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
