just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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